Mark of an Unreasonable Entity

Yesterday I was on my way into town, P-Town that is, which is Pueblo, and I had one of those moments where you start to feel just a twinge of the enormity of who God is and what He's really done for you. Those are hard moments, really good moments, but painful. I started off thinking about love, how typically when we think of love we think of romance, hearts, roses, teddy bears, starry skies, colorful sunrises and sunsets, walks on the beach, marriage, happily ever after, all of those wonderful things. We don't often think of the other side of love. The side of love that isn't calm or peaceful or even necessarily joyful in any regard. We don't think about the dangerous side of love, the gut wrentchingly passionate side.

Love is all those great things, butterflies in the stomach, emotional fireworks, and what ever else you want to fill in the blank. But love is fierce, a force to be reckoned with. I wouldn't want to tick Love off. Love dies and kills for the object of it's affection. Love levels cities, breaks people, destroys darkness in its wake, violently uproots a mountain from it's resting spot and moves it into the middle of the sea to get where it wants to go. Love is determined, unstoppable, jealous over the object of it's affection. When that object is compromised Love rises up like a giant grizzly bear and roars in the face of adversity, and if adversity will not then flee it takes action in the most turbulent fashion. It wears it away, sometimes gently, and other times with firm resolve not to stop until justice is done. Love is a flame that once lit consumes everything in its path like a wild fire in a vast forest. Love doesn't know any boundary, it doesn't understand containment, and it's not that it can't be contained, but that it won't be contained, it refuses such a senseless idea. Love is like a lion, beautiful, and majestic, but powerful, and fierce.

I like the idea that Christ was/is a warrior. There was nothing sweet or gentle about what he did on the cross, or in his life. It was an act of war, the deciding battle that ended it all. Christ loved, but his love was fierce, and intentional. It wasn't about a romantic feeling, butterflies in the stomach and all that. Sure, it was beautiful! But he came to the world with a double edged sword to rid the world of the thing that stood in the way of his love, which would be sin, and evil in general. They say that God is Love, oh that is so true! He has leveled cities, broken people, moved mountains, he has risen up against the ones who have compromised the objects of his affection and destroyed them, he has lived, died and killed for the objects of his affection, and if there is anyone who doesn't know anything about boundaries or containment it is certainly God. He did it all for love, which can admittedly be hard to fathom. How can a God that is Love kill anything? I don't think I can logically explain that myself, but I know that for me if someone threatened what I love I would do whatever I had to get rid of that threat. Killing is always a last resort, very, very last. God was never one to just kill for the pleasure of it, not the God I know anyway. But when he ran out of options he did what he had to, hence an old, bloody cross.

It was about this time in my thought process that I started thinking about myself. I make no secret of this, I'm not a nice person naturally. I'm not a good person by any stretch of the imagination. I promise you that if you see anything good in me or who I am, it is all Christ. I am nothing, absolutely nothing. I'm prideful, extremely prideful, I am angry and violent, I curse... yes, the "good" Christian girl curses, I don't like people, they tick me off, the church makes me crazy, the body of Christ irritates the living daylights out of me and there are times I just can't stand to be a part of it. I'm not nearly as sweet as I look, that's the truth. It is through Christ alone that I have been able to maintain sanity and keep from going on a killing spree, because I, without Christ, would do that. And truthfully I think that is the case for most people, Christians in particular. If we didn't have Christ we'd go mad and kill each other. On top of all that, I am nothing compared to God. Barely even a speck of dust to him.

So this is my marvel... I know me, I know what I've done. If ever there was a wretch or a fool, it's me. Paul said that he was the least of all men, he only said that because he hadn't met me. I have been so rebellious against God, I've not only put him on hold so that I could do what I wanted to, I actually turned my back on him and walked away. And that's after I became a Christian. I'm talking about something that's happened in the last two years, I've been a Christian, truly, since I was about 13. I sinned horribly, and I continue to despite my best efforts to follow God and love him, to serve him and obey him, I continue to be human. And the thing is that I know this, but God knows all this too. He watched me turn around and walk away, openly turning my back on him and flaunting my rebellion. I practically spit in his face, and he knows it. He was there, he saw the whole thing. Despite my best efforts to make God hate me, he still loves me. Despite my disrespect and irreverence of him, he's willing to take me back in his arms, even as I beat against his chest to let me go, and hold me until my heart breaks under his love again. Until my resolve melts away and the torrents of my emotions and idiocy are stilled. And then the most remarkable thing happens, he leans his head down until his lips just barely brush my ear and in the softest whisper that only I can hear he says "I still love you, and I will never let you go."

I cannot for the life of me understand this. That on the cross Christ was bleeding and God the Father was turning his back on his son, and just as it was becoming so unbearable that he was about to give the whole thing up he saw my face and the things I would do and the person I would be and decided to stick with it anyway, because some how I'm worth loving. What is it that makes me worth dieing for? When he knows me, how does he find worth in me? Regardless of the fact that he created me. This is something I don't think I'll ever understand, I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom the logic behind it. But then again, when was Love ever logical?! When was the last time that God did something that actually made sense? What he did was seriously intense. He bore my sins, my rebellions, my anger, my hate, all the worst things of who I am as a fallen human being. He took all that upon himself for the sake of his love for me, this strange, mysterious Love. What a fool he was to do it, but he was a fool for the right thing, in the right way, which some how makes him remarkably wise. Wow... God is awesome, and that's not even a good word to describe him. It's too much to think about, what he did and how/why he did it. This is the awesomeness of God that he would create us, live and die for us, when we aren't even worth saving by any reasonable standards. Hallelujah that God is not a reasonable entity.

Tasty?

So I was at Carl's Jr. today and I ordered a Dr. Pepper, which I haven't had for a long time. By the time I received it I forgot what I had gotten, because I don't have a particularly good memory and I'm distracted easily, and when I took a sip I was a little surprised and then I got to thinking about how weird it is that I can taste things! Isn't that weird? How did God do that? How is it that we can taste things and recognize what they are? How did God get taste to work in the first place, and then make all these different flavors? How does flavor work? What exactly does your brain have to do for you to taste something? Isn't that weird? God is so freakin' cool! I just thought I'd share that with you, which will make this the shortest blog post I've ever written. You should take a picture of this or print it or something because it's not likely to happen again lol =D So, yeah, that's all, just wanted to share my wonder with you. Be blessed!

Praises on a Personal Note

Alright, so typically I don't write about my personal life on this site because, well... it's personal lol However, what God is doing in my personal life is so incredibly excellent that I can't keep quiet about it. Please keep in mind, dear reader, that this isn't really about the man, but about the greatness of God and His amazing, unfailing love. I tell you, I am so amazed by the love of my God and the beauty of who He is and how He loves me.

To start from the beginning I've recently gotten out of a relationship, only a few months ago in fact. I was very much looking forward to spending the next two years of my life in a very single status and enjoying every moment with God. I mean just really immersing myself in ministry and following hard after God with out the distraction that comes from being romantically attached to someone. I have been very blessed in my few short months of singleness. I've gone on dates with the Lord, he's shown me around the city that I live near, we've taken a number of nice long hikes, watched more than one sunset, and danced together often. In this time I've been reconstructing what I'm looking for in a future husband and how I want to be pursued. What will I expect from a man? What will I expect in a relationship that leads to marriage? It's been interesting to explore those things and really look at what my heart truly desires, and the things that God has placed there and things He has wanted to place there.

All this has been a grand affair! And then I met someone, a godly man. I've actually known him for about a year and half now, but I've never been close to him. Suddenly I was seeing him everywhere and everyday, and then just as suddenly I discovered that I had a rather strong attraction to this man. This is where it gets interesting. So, I'm constructing in my mind what I'm looking for in a man, yes? I journal about these things and a few days later through some random conversation that has nothing what so ever to do with what is going on in my heart I discover these things in him. For instance, a couple months ago when attraction was just beginning to set in I was realizing how much I love to dance, and how important a part of who I am that is. Now, no one know this about me, until now when I have just so very publicly announced it... and I was journaling about it, and that it might become a requirement for a future husband to dance, but that it wasn't a rule yet seeing as there are so extremely few men in the world who enjoy dancing. About two days later I was sitting next to him talking about nothing in particular and out of no where find out he likes to dance and he wanted to lead a line dancing party for a Campus Crusade meeting. It took all of my self control not to just let my jaw drop to the floor right then and there. This happens frequently over the following weeks. I have something on my heart, which I tell no one about, that I want to find in a man and some how, some way the Lord arranges for it to come up in conversation or action.

That brings us up just about to present. The last few months have been like that though, and it's been very difficult for me, continuing to find out wonderful things about him that I'm desperately trying not to find out. This only further fuels my theory that God is very sneaky (if you're interested He insists that I simply don't pay enough attention or ask enough questions. This argument is ongoing between He and I). So about a week ago this man made me dinner and asked if I would allow him to lead me in a relationship. First of all, he gets big points just for the way he worded it, just throwing that out there. Secondly, this is a total God thing. My hearts desire is to follow someone. I'm so sick of leading in relationships, I've never dated a guy who wanted to, was able to, and actually did lead me. To tell the truth it has driven me crazy! Men are supposed to lead, how do I always end up in control? It's annoying! The Lord knows this, and there is a part of me that doesn't think it's even possible just because I've never experienced anything remotely close to it. I've seen it for other people, my parents for example, but I didn't believe it could happen for me necessarily. I agreed, of course, or I would not be writing this now. It's been a really good week =) Tonight I got to have dinner with him again.

In the past week my mind has been reeling, with many questions and insecurities I'm not going to post here. Oh, how well my King knows me and my heart. How well He understands the vulnerabilities of my heart. I've not spoken of any of these things with the man pursuing me, I've been waiting on him to see where he wants to go. The Lord and I are the only ones who know about my concerns. I'll tell you what has been on my heart so you can understand the enormity of what God did tonight. First is the aspect of a physical relationship, I've made mistakes I fully intend to never make again which means for me there is no kissing. Period, end of story, none. Second is the statement of love, I don't want to say it unless I know it's true and that means I won't be saying anything of a kind for a very long time no matter how tempting it may be. I wouldn't want to lie to him through ignorance or stupidity, or lie to myself for that matter, and I don't want him to make that mistake either. Third is the spiritual aspect of it all. I really want a man who can lead me spiritually and will keep God at the forefront of everything. I never, repeat never want him to place me above the Lord. I want God first in everything, every aspect, he must love God more than he loves me, or there is simply no point in bothering with the relationship. The best way I thought to do that would be some kind of a Bible study that we would do together, and I would just love that, that would be fun, I think. Please keep in mind that these are things I wasn't sure would happen. I've not been certain I could find any one who felt the same way or wanted the same things.

But God is exceptionally good. Is it not amazing that the God of universe, who has infinitely more interesting things to do with His time, takes the time to know who we are and care for all our needs? That He would pay attention to the little things as much as the big things? That He takes pleasure in our happiness? He takes joy in the desires of our hearts and in bringing those things into reality? That our dreams are not truly our own, but His? Are you not amazed by this, dear reader? Does it not strike you? At dinner the Lord again showed His faithfulness when my date spoke up with some boundaries to protect my heart and his own. (By the way, a guy who wants to protect my heart is also a really, really big deal). His first was that we shouldn't spend time alone together after 10 pm, very wise. Second he said that he would not tell me he loved me until he knew it was true, which would ultimately mean an engagement. Thirdly, no kissing until said engagement. Fourth and perhaps most interestingly, that he wanted us to do a Bible study together in order to keep God at the forefront of our relationship... How great is God that He would place a man in my life willing, capable and actively leading me? How great is God that He would provide a man with the same sentiments I have about subjects that men often feel differently about?

God is SO good! If you can take anything from my experience thus far it is that God understands the desires of your heart and if you will seek Him, and trust Him and wait on Him, He is joyfully waiting to provide those things to you. It may not be in your timing, but He is God! His love is great and His timing perfect! He hears the whispers of your heart that you reveal to no one, and He loves your dreams! Surrender them to Him and see what He does. This isn't what He does only in relationships, He does this with everything! It is who He is, He loves His children, of which you are one, and He loves to give. I know I've said this about twenty times already in this post, which is much longer than I meant for it to be, but I am SO amazed by God and His love! I would be so utterly screwed and dead with out Him. Praise His Holy Name! AMEN!

Hard Weekend

I just wanted to throw it out there that loving people is an extremely, ridiculously dangerous thing. I think it's probably more safe to walk through a burning furnace, or jump off a 100' cliff with out a parachute, or some thing crazy like that than to love someone, anyone. To care about anyone in even the smallest amount. I know that sounds really pessimistic, but I don't really mean it that way. It's so dangerous, and often painful to love people, but it's also one of the most rewarding and incredible experiences we can possibly experience on this earth.



I've been reading about the life of King David with the woman I'm discipling, and recently we read about David and Johnathan and their friendship. They had the most intense friendship ever, I don't think that two friends could ever love each other more than those did. Johnathan sacrificed everything for David, and when he died David was absolutely destroyed over it. But their bond was so incredibly tight! I don't think that either one of them would have traded that bond to avoid the pain that it brought when David had to leave, or when Johnathan died. What is it about love that is so spectacular? What is it about love that makes the pain of loss bearable?

In Serbia I met, and got to know three of the most amazing women I think that I'll ever meet. All three of them are entirely different from me, and they are people I never would have expected to fall in love with in a such a deep way as friends. One is a Serbian, Teodora, another is from New Jersey, Debbie, and the last (and closest to me in distance) is from Boulder, that would be Michelle. We had our reunion weekend last weekend, and Debbie came all the way out here for it, and Michelle was there, the whole team with the exception of one guy made it to the reunion weekend. Teodora wasn't there because she's in Serbia with the Stint team, but my other two were there. It was an amazing weekend! It was a really, really difficult weekend. It was so hard to say good-bye to the summer, and to say good-bye to Debbie in particular because I don't know when I'll be seeing her again.

What made it harder was that I got to minister to these women during the weekend, which essentially means there was a lot of crying and praying and hugging and generally holding each other. It was beautiful, but it was really hard to see my sisters hurting in the ways they were hurting. One doesn't have any solid Christian friends around her that can build her up, and she doubts her faith. The other is still angry over events that transpired over the trip, and can't understand why the leadership won't continue talking about it with her. Another one of my sisters that was there had just broken up with her boyfriend, who happened to be on the team as well. A lot happened, which is a huge understatement. So we talked and we cried together and held each other, we made each other laugh when it was over.

And then we said good-bye... That hurt a lot. I love these women, they are incredible women and I wish every one I knew could know them, because they are beautiful and vibrant women of God. They are radiant, and loving. And now they're gone. I don't know when I'll see Debbie again, I miss her a lot, in general. It's been hard not having her around to be her usual crazy self. I miss talking to her, and having lunch with her, and shopping with her (which is an adventure since she's from Jersey, this girl can shop!). I miss hearing about what is going on in her life and helping her sort through it all. Michelle I know I'll see again in about a week, I'll be staying at her house for a couple nights, which will be really nice. I haven't gotten to be in touch with her much, which is unfortunate, but we all have our busy schedules. So I'm really looking forward to spending some extra time with her soon, but it was still hard to let her go. She is really touch oriented like I am, so when we see each other we cuddle. She's pretty much the only woman I do that with, it's just who she is and who I am and God has blessed us with the kind of relationship that allows for that.

And then Teodora... my beautiful Teodora. *sigh* I haven't seen her, except in pictures the Stint team has taken. I miss my Teodora probably most of all. She is by far one of the most incredible women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. For sure, I wish you could meet her and see her heart like I do. I can't think of a woman I know who is more lovely than she is, it's just what God is doing in her life and how she's responding to it. She's been a joy for me to know.

Anyway, it hurts to love people. It hurts to have to say good-bye to them, as we all have to at one time or another. It sucks. On the ride back home Aaron said to me: "That's why Heaven is such a great idea... no more good-byes."

Two in Row!

This past week was just as climactic as the last, I'm happy to report. Much of that is due to the retreat I attended this past weekend, Rocky Mountain Get Away (RMGA). The whole week was pretty cool though, all around. Tuesday I found out that one of the Serbian women I tutored at the English Camps surrendered her life to Christ. I was so happy I just started crying, it was the sweetest part of my week over all. She happens to have been my favorite student too. That's Teodora, from Novi Sad. She's a brilliant young woman, with bright and powerful ideas and questions. She's passionate and loving. I just absolutely adore my Teodora, she's amazing to me, and inspiring.

Thursday, I took a big step for me and sang with the worship team for our Crusade meeting. I had to use a mic... I really don't like those things. I probably wouldn't have done it except that the Lord keeps pressing me about being involved with worship, which is what I want, but I want to be doing it for all the right reasons and not get in the way of worship. I think it can be really difficult for musicians to separate themselves from what they're doing and really worship during that time. Worship is one of my favorite things ever, and I don't want to lose my passion in worship for anything, be that pride, or timidity, or performance, or what ever. So I did it because the Lord keeps telling me to, and I think I'll continue doing it if Russell wants me to. He told me to "eat the mic", which was difficult. LOL I'm a singer/musician/performance major who doesn't like to be heard! How is that for a paradox?! Worship was good though, all in all.

Friday we left for RMGA! It was a really good weekend. There were about twelve of us total from CSU-P that went to it, there were a few hundred though from other schools around the state. RMGA is a retreat for all the Campus Crusade ministries in Colorado alone. Pretty soon we have The Denver Christmas Conference (DCC) which includes all the ministries in the great plains region (Nebraska, Oklahoma, Arizona, Colorado, part of New Mexico, and one or two other states I can't think of presently). DCC usually has couple thousand people attending, but it's a major blast. Anyway! We got there, (Estes Park YMCA) just in time for the first session. I'm going to be completely honest, worship was my favorite part of the whole weekend. If we hadn't done anything else the whole time I would have been quite content. Our speaker took the weekend, (four main sessions), to talk about relationships with God and as a community of believers. He illustrated God as a Father, and did a really nice job of it. He was a really funny guy, and there was much laughter as he told us stories about his experiences with his own family and his relationship with God as a Father.

Friday night after the main session we decided to get something to eat because we hadn't had dinner and were starving. It was after eleven though and everything was closed, except for Dominoes! The running joke through out the trip was about how Estes Park was completely shut down after 11pm and how little sense that made to us. Everything is closed! Even gas stations! It's amazing, but then it Estes Park, not exactly a raging college town. When we got back Russell broke out his guitar and we spent an hour and half or so just in pure, unplugged, whole hearted, fly by the seat of your pants worship. We didn't have a set or anything, we just picked out songs at random and spent time praising God. It was fabulous. I can't think of a better way to stay up until two in the morning =) After we finished worship I got to spend some quality time pouring out my heart to a few of my Sisters in Christ (SiCs... wow, I'm giving a lot acronyms, good luck remembering them ;)), which I was in desperate need of doing. This was a really good weekend, but difficult too, for reasons I'm not going to post about publicly, sorry ;) It was really nice to share with my sisters about what has been going on in my life and get their prayer support.

Saturday was another great day. We had some devotional time and awesome worship, a main session and then three hours of free time to play games and enjoy the mountains. I personally went back to my room and crashed for a long time because I had only gotten two and half hours of sleep the night before. By the end of the night Saturday I was shaking with exhaustion. Tip: don't get so exhausted you start to shake, it's just not as cool as it seems. We had some time to chill with our campuses and talk about what God had been doing through the weekend and then there was a two hour worship concert. I was really excited about the worship, of course, and the band was decently good. The only problem was that they played all these songs that I didn't know! I'm willing to learn, but out of maybe 10-15 songs I only knew three, and that seemed to be the same for most people who attended. So that was kind of a bummer and then Amy, Russell, Jenna, Josh and I all went back to our dorm and broke out the guitar again! So we had our own private worship night too =) Which was cool. By the time we left the main hall to go back to the dorms it was snowing quite a bit, which brought huge cheers from the crowd.

Sunday we finished up, packed our things and headed home. It snowed off and on through out our trip, but it was really pretty. We even stopped at Chipotle on our way back, which was a special treat since Pueblo is apparently not cool enough to have Chipotle or even Qdoba. I got some extra sleep in on the trip home, which was pleasant. And that's what happened at RMGA. It was really, really good time of praising God and singing out, and moving to the rhythm of the music. I LOVE worship, it's just about the best things ever. Just throwin' that out there.

Today has been a little bit more rough. The store is in another slow point and we are praying for God to bring in the money we need, I would appreciate your prayers as well, who ever may read this. I had a test today, I don't know how I did on it, I'm not entirely sure I care either. There was a bomb threat at the school, which for the time being hasn't turned into anything. The police came and checked each building over four times, and didn't find anything amiss, I don't think that most of the students even know about it. I only know because I have a friend working the in ELC who heard about it from his boss. And finally, Russell is now sick. He sounds like he's got the flu. So the school and brother Russ could use your prayers as well. And that's it for this week, stay tuned for more =)

A Climactic Week

Hey! So I wrote earlier that I was anticipating some awesome things to happen this week, and sure enough they did! This has been a really great week all-in-all. On Wednesday I found out that I'm passing my Aural Skills class with an 86%! That's amazing! I've just been trying to pass with a C, because it's a really difficult class for me and I don't have a natural ear, and I have a B!!! That's a hallelujah, praise the Lord thing! And then Thursday I was feeling a touch down from my oddly excited-ness, but God came through again.

I've been looking for passionate people to be on the prayer team and although I've found some great pray-ers and our meetings have been I just haven't found anyone who is really passionate about prayer and interceding for our campus. On Thursday we had a leadership meeting and Aaron said he might know of someone who could be good for the prayer team and I told him to bring the guy in. So that night before JiB started I met Adam and he prayed with us before things got rolling and it was just incredibly awesome! Talk about God's provision! He was calling down barriers and walls that were keeping God from moving and prophesying and the whole bit! It was so refreshing and exciting, and it got me all worked up too. And that night, our meeting was amazing. Worship was wonderful and powerful, and Russell gave a short talk about love, which has been our theme this semester so far, and said exactly what he needed to say. After he was finished the prayer team and leadership team was around and available to minister to and pray with anyone who wanted to, and I got to minister to Courtney and pray with her. It was great! I want every week to be like that, only progressively more powerful all the time! Amen!

Friday was an equally good day. I had fewer classes and a lesser work load which was nice. I had an extra voice lesson and I finally managed to break out a little bit and sang in my lesson with the same intensity that I sing with when I'm home by myself and no one can hear it. It was pretty good, and I think my teacher was happy with it too. And I got my transcriptions for Aural Skills almost completely finished (I have to finish them tomorrow, it could be a disaster, but I'm hoping not). Then, the really great news, my dear friend Anna called me to tell me that Philip had proposed and now she's engaged!!! I am so excited for them, God has truly brought them together and blessed them in awesome ways. I look forward to see what God does in their life together.

Today was pretty darn good too. I spent most of the day with my sister and nephews. There was a "Family Fun Day" at the university, so we went and did the hay ride, face painting, food, and balloon animals. It was great fun. I love my nephews. Aiden is a lot of fun to play with, although I really can't keep up. He's constantly running, which for me means that I have to walk really fast, but he doesn't stop! So I get tired after a while and he comes and grabs my hands and pulls me saying "Come on Auntie K, come on!" and so I have to go some more. After that I ran into a guy that I share three of my classes with, Kurt (although it might be Curt, but for now we'll stick with Kurt).

He's kind of a funny guy, extremely intelligent, he's just breezing through his classes right now. Anyway, I ran into him at Barnes and Noble and invited him to go to Ginosko with me, which is just a social gathering of Christians to hang out and play games and the like. He said he didn't have a car so I offered him a ride and he actually agreed! Cool, huh? So I picked him up again on my way to the shindig and we were talking about school and plans for graduation, which for me lead into Serbia and he was asking me about what kind of missionary work we were doing there. I explained about reaching the college students and talking with them about God. Turns out he's not a Christian, which I kind of figured. It's been my experience thus far that extremely intelligent people usually go with philosophy and science over faith, for a while at least. God always breaks through. So he hung out with all of us playing games and eating food. It was a good deal, I think I would like to talk to him some more and get to know him better. I think God wants to do something with him that he's not expecting. That's often how things work out though, God doing things we don't expect him to. I see him often enough, so it shouldn't be hard to find out what exactly he does believe in, he's the philosophy type and a deep thinker, which will make it interesting. I think I'll try and hook him up with Aaron, because he can be like that too. I did invite him to JiB, but he has class at 9 pm on Thursday, but I told him he should come and hang for a just a little while at least and he said he would consider it.

God might be doing something pretty cool there, we'll just have to see. I think this week has been a great week for discovering the greatness of God and how amazing he is. On my way home tonight I was thinking about Kurt and then about Christ and the more I think about Him the more I smile. I just love Him so much, and He is so beautiful and amazing. I am amazed by the beauty of Christ. I would really love to Kurt to understand that, but it's something you have to experience. If you don't experience Christ you can't know His beauty. If don't experience Him, He's just a guy who died on a cross a really long time ago and there's nothing exciting there. But if you experience Christ... wow, a whole new world of possibilities and adventure opens up. Kurt would really enjoy Christ if he knew Him. He would appreciate the complexities of who Christ is and what He did on the cross and in life. Kurt would understand the musical quality of the Lord... that probably doesn't make sense, but there is a musical quality to His beauty... maybe it's something only musicians really get some concept of, maybe not. I can't explain it. Anyway, Kurt would get that. So, we should pray for Kurt, he's a good guy, worth loving.

That's the excitement for this week, tune in next time for more enthralling exploits in Pueblo. Until next time, be abundantly blessed!

Anticipation

Good afternoon avid readers! I have some exciting news and some things that I need your help with via prayer. The bad news is that when I last wrote I was intending to meet with a couple women to talk about the gospel and CCC (Campus Crusade for Christ), and I didn't get to meet with either of them. Somehow these meeting just aren't working out. I've rescheduled so many now that I don't know what to do and I've rather given up on them for the time being. Truth is that I highly suspect that all the women I was going to meet were already believers anyway, so I'm not really concerned.

So now the bad news is out of the way I can get into the exciting news! I am pleased to inform you that we have seen one student on CSU-P come to Christ!!! YAY GOD!!! I'm very excited about it. One of the girls I am discipling e-mailed me last night to tell me that one of the freshmen girls we've been loving on finally surrendered her life to Christ. That's the best news I've gotten since my return from Serbia! I'm still praying for 49 more to find there way to the arms of our Love by December.

In other news... well I'm just really happy. I have a good feeling about this week, it's going to be stellar and I just feel very expectant to see what God is going to be doing. I don't know if he'll be doing it here or in Serbia. The Stint team in Serbia is handing out Vox magazines to gain contacts and reach out to students on their faculties over the next two weeks. Last year they distributed 1300 magazines and got around 900 contacts from people willing to talk about God. That's amazing! Lets be praying for a rich harvest at our brothers and sisters invest in God's work over the next two weeks! Then again, maybe something incredible will happen this week *shrug* I did ace a test that I didn't study for, that could be a good sign!

Continued other news, I do need your prayer support about a few things. Typically I wouldn't use this to distribute prayer requests, but I really need it. I'm not sure where to start though... hmm... Ok, I'll start with a friend of mine who goes to UNC. I'm a little concerned about him, and I feel like I may need to just go up there and have coffee with him or something. I think he is a believer, but I don't think he has much fellowship with other strong Christians and I think I may need to go up and see him, build him a bit and such. The question is when, so please pray that the Lord would direct me in that and give me wisdom. Next, I think I may start helping out with worship for the potential youth group at my church, or maybe see if I can get a girls Bible study going for the High Schoolers. Time is also the problem there. I would love to be involved with the youth ministry, but with school and CCC I don't know if I'll have time to do that. So pray that the Lord will give me very, very clear direction about that as well because I don't want to get committed to something I can't rationally do.

Then there is my general health. My health gets it's very own paragraph, which is kinda sad. Good grief I'm tired of feeling crummy and generally unable to accomplish anything worth doing. Last time I wrote I had some stomach thing, well that's gone, but now my heart and other organs in the general chest region are all acting up again. I'm having really bad heart flutters and having a really hard time breathing some times. It comes and goes, accompanied often by pain. It gets worse when I sing, which is darned inconvenient considering that I'm majoring in vocal performance. I just can't get the air support I need to hit the notes I have to hit and it aggravates my chest even more. So be praying that I would be relaxed and at peace so that everything would settle down and I would have to deal with this any more. (Praise!) My Mom just got a new job and we'll have insurance fairly soon and when we do I can go to the doctor and find out what exactly is wrong with me, if anything, but I don't think this is normal. Pray that I won't be distracted and therefore stressed out. I do have a distraction to deal with, which I'm not going to elaborate on in such a public fashion.

Anyway, tonight is prayer, which is exciting all by itself! Whoo-hoo for prayer! I am so ready to see the campus changed, and I think Jesus is too, so this gonna be a good week =) Thanks for reading up on life and praying with me about what God is doing here and over in my new favorite place, Serbia!

Ill at 2 am

Good morning!!! It's currently 2 o'clock in the morning in beautiful Colorado which means it's about... 10 a.m. in Serbia where my friends on the Stint team are, who are with my Serbian friends to boot. So, I wish I was in Serbia right now because that would mean I'd had a good night's rest, and morning's rest for that matter. Not so, not so. Bummer.

So I'm feeling supremely ill. My stomach hurts awfully and I'm freezing cold. No fever, and thankfully, at the moment, no more headache. So since I'm feeling dreadful and can't sleep, and I have things to share, I figured I would share them. Where should I start? My last post was somewhat scathing, and this might be reminiscent in some respects. Well I'll start with Monday night prayer from this week, which would be day before yesterday, and work my way around.

Monday night prayer, it has the greatest potential of the whole week. The thing about potential though is that it can either be realized or not, but at least you have a 50/50 chance. Monday was somewhere in between. Praying is one of my favorite things. There is something uniquely sweet about asking the Father for what you need and desire, about interceding for the lost and oppressed, placing all your concerns before the Father and saying "Here you go, what are you going to do with that? I got nothin'." There is something uniquely sweeter about joining with other steadfast believers and praying with them. However, the people (in general, not all of them) who are coming aren't getting it, as far as I can tell.

Hmmm... perhaps I should start with what I'm looking for in prayer meetings. I'll do that. What I want for the prayer ministry of CSU-Pueblo is that it would be dynamic. That it would be an exciting and intense time of communion with the King. That our hearts would break for the lost, and for out brothers and sisters in Christ as the struggle too. That we, as a team, would rise up and make something of our prayers. That we wouldn't just meet once a week and pray what we know we should pray, and then convince ourselves that we mean it. I want passion in prayer meeting, wild abandon in prayer. Is that a lot to ask?

Maybe it is with the way things are going. The majority of the people I'm praying with aren't praying! Well, they are, but they aren't voicing their prayers, they're keeping them locked away in their minds where their words have little to no power. This week I talked about the power of words. It seemed the right topic since I've heard a lot about the power of words lately, just in talking with other people. So we talked about it briefly, because I don't want to take up prayer time with too much talking or teaching. Perhaps I didn't do it well though, I don't know. There were five of us there, including myself. One of the guys and I did essentially all the praying. I was so disappointed, and irritated. One of the girls prayed twice, briefly, which I'm very proud of her for. At this point it's hard for her to pray out loud for more than a minute and I'm working with her so that she might become more comfortable and better equipped to pray. It was exciting to have her pray a couple times =) The other girl that was there, prayed once at the beginning and didn't say anything after that, which was disappointing because I know she can pray. And then the last guy didn't breathe a word, which I can't say anything about where he's at because he's a freshman and I don't know him well enough to tell.

I was really irritated. I mean, the prayer wasn't bad, but it was so quiet and rather subdued. So I stopped us and went on for about ten or fifteen minutes about why we were there. I asked them why they were there. I mean, they came to prayer for a reason, they were called for a reason, what was that reason? There were things they wanted, and needed, that they weren't asking for. We had gone around for prayer requests before we started, but there was more there. I knew it. We had only been praying for a half hour when prayers dried up and we were reduced to silence... Unacceptable. We have so much to ask for and so much to praise God for that we could pray for at least an hour with out stopping for a second, so why can't we do that? How hard is it, really, to pray for an hour or two? It's not! If you can set aside two hours to pray in a day, and determine that nothing will distract you or keep you from praying, it's easy! Seriously, it's not difficult when you're in the presence of the King to sit before him and talk with him. But we weren't doing that.

So I asked them what it was that they wanted. What was their deepest desire? The thing they wanted more than anything else? One said passion, one said they wanted more than what the world around them was offering, another said to follow Christ where ever he leads. Awesome things to desire!!! People who want to chase after God! Who want more than they have! Good grief, those are some awesome things to desire. And they all echo what I want, myself. We had gone through prayer requests at the beginning, but none of that came up. No one asked for prayer about the thing they were desiring most in the world. Why? Why didn't we ask for prayer about those things? Such vital things! Things worthy, absolutely worthy of prayer. After I had received their answers to the question I asked them if they expected God to do something if they asked for what they wanted. About sixty seconds of silence greeted me. Calling on them one by one I finally got an answer. Three said yes, and the last was somewhere in between. She believed that God would answer on the logical level, but on the much harder to tame emotional level sometimes she believed and sometimes she didn't. I think it boils down to that there are some things she has asked for that she either hasn't or can't see the effect of her prayers on. She hasn't seen the miracle so it's hard to expect God to do it. I could be mistaken, but I think that's accurate. I thought that was fair enough, honest.

All that out in the open, I decided it was time to do something different. I've wanted to start this in prayer anyway, but it can be intimidating when you aren't used to it. It's pentecostal praying really, the Koreans are masters at it. When Koreans come together and pray they aren't taking turns asking for things and agreeing with one another in prayer, they are all asking in loud voices at the same for the things God has placed on their hearts. It's amazing and powerful. It's a sweet, sweet sound if you pause a moment just to listen to it. At that time I explained what I wanted to do, that I wanted us to all pray at the same time, asking God for that thing that we wanted the most, and we were going to do this for five minutes. Just five minutes. I knew it would be difficult, especially for the guy who had said nothing so far, and for the girl that I'm equipping for prayer, but it would be worth it if they would follow me there.

For five minutes we all prayed together. The two I mentioned previously as probably having a hard time with this whispered quietly, but they were speaking! Five minutes went by quickly, really quickly. We could have easily gone for ten or twenty or the whole hour that way. But I stopped us, true to my word that I would, at five minutes. So for five small minutes prayer was really cool, if such a small word can define prayer. Next week we may do it again for longer, we'll see where the Lord takes us, but that was start. A small start, but a good start.

See you at the pole is this morning. We going from 7am-3pm at our campus. Students signed up for slots of prayer time. I'm supposed to be there at 8 this morning and again at 1 in the afternoon, but I don't think I'll make it with how I'm feeling. That makes me sad. I want to be there with my friends to pray for the campus, the city, the state and the nation. But taking care of me might not be such a bad idea either. I have to go to class, my classes are such that I can't miss any of them with out falling sharply behind. As soon as my classes are finished though, I think I'll be coming home directly. I'm praying for someone to be saved at SYATP this morning, I hope someone will get to read this before the day is out to pray for that someone to be saved too. I want God to do more on campus than what has been happening.

Speaking of that and people being saved... tomorrow at 4pm I get to have a meeting with a girl named Katherine from the Springs. She filled our a 30-Second Questionnaire that we handed out the first week of school about her religious beliefs and whether or not she might be interested in knowing how to have a relationship with God or more information about Campus Crusade for Christ. She marked "yes" on both of those things. So on Thursday I get to meet with her to talk to her about the gospel and Crusade! I'm excited and terrified about it =) There's a part of me that can't wait and another part that's like "Oh dear, Lord, I don't know if I can this"... well I'll have to get used to it if I plan on Stinting in Serbia next year. Really, I'm more excited than scared, but I don't know what I'll say to her. That could be a good thing. When you have nothing planned to say it often leaved more room for God to speak for you, and that sounds good to me. AND I'm meeting with another girl named Athena on Monday at 3pm. She's actually here in Pueblo. I'm not sure if she'll show or not, I'll probably call her a day or two before I confirm our meeting. Isn't that exciting though? I have two appointments to meet with people to talk about Christ! How cool is that?

Ok, well it is now ten minutes to three, which means that this post is entirely too long, but there you have it. If you have made it this far in one sitting, I commend you! Well done! You are a very committed person, and I appreciate your commitment to reading my ramblings, rock on! Until next time (which could be Thursday after my meeting), be blessed!

Revival Hymn

My Team watched this video in Serbia, it's 35 minutes long but well worth the time. It's sort of a wake up call. I just watched it again today and marveled at the complacency of the church. Where is our passion? Why isn't worship more powerful? Why isn't prayer more enthralling? Why isn't speaking the name of Christ the most important thing to us? Why don't we have an INTIMATE relationship with God? I want to have passion, to be enthralled, to have intimacy, and for Christ to be the most important thing to me simply because I truly deeply love him. There are a precious few churches that get this. Why is that? I really want to know. Why is it that Christians today are so satisfied to have a mediocre relationship and not expect God to work miracles?

Can you imagine the impact the Christian community could have if we asked God for more than what we've got? Can you imagine the bigger impact we would have if we not only asked for it, but believed and fully expected God to give it? What if we did ask God to move a mountain and believed he would do it? Expected him to do it? Don't you think he would? I believe one person of sound faith can move a city to Christ through prayer. So what if a Church congregation would take up sound faith and pray for a city, or state, or college, or nation? Would it be moved to Christ? But we are not passionate people.


I'm not going to lie, I hate going to church. I'm sick and tired of going to church. It's not because I think people shouldn't go to church, or I have a problem with sitting still for one or two hours, it's not because I don't like to talk to people. It's because 90% of the churches I have been to are passionless. The people come and "worship"... they sing anyway. The come and "pray"... they at least bow their heads. They come and "fellowship"... well they put on a mask and say that their doing good. COME ON PEOPLE!!! Why is worship dead and Spiritless? Why don't people pray in power? Why don't they speak the truth to each other and help one another through their difficulties and celebrate through their joys? Where is our passion? Now, I understand what I have said if very broad and general, so please do not be offended. There are churches with passion, there are people in passionless churches who have passion. But I find those churches are few and far between, and those people can be as well. All I'm really saying is that I'm not satisfied. I'm disappointed even.


I am not satisfied with a mediocre worship service. I'm not satisfied with powerless, faithless prayer. I'm not satisfied with just sitting in a chair and listening to someone talk to me about the topic of the week. I want more. I want so much more than this thing called church. I want to thrive. I want to go to a thriving church, a living, breathing body of Christ. I want to join in prayer with other believers who believe prayer works and that asking God for more than the mundane is an awesome way to pray. I to praise with people who get excited about praising God. Who stand because they want to, who sing with fire in their hearts, who lift their hands in a genuine effort to praise the Almighty God, and who dance because they simply can't contain the spirit of praise within them. I want to pray for the people around me when they tell me that their lives are on the downside. I want to support them and serve them whole heartedly out of love for my Maker. I want church to be a love affair between Christ and his Bride.


That's a good way to put it, and it's true. I want church to be a love affair between Christ and his Bride. That's the passion I'm looking for in a church. A church that is in the midst of a real, touchable love affair with Christ. We are the Bride, are we not? Then where is our pursuit of our bridegroom? Where is that longing? You see it in some people, in some churches, but it is hard to find. When we think about it we realize, "Oh yeah, that's what I want. I'd forgotten about that part." We get so caught up in life, in going to work and school, doing home work, house work, taking care of our families and children, our friends. And then we go to church and we do more work, we have play with the other musicians on the worship team, we have to fill an hour of prayer with the prayer team and do a ten minute skit during offering. We have to teach the kids in Sunday school, get ready for the yearly bake sale. We have to maintain relationships with people. And in the midst of all that service for the church we have a terrible tendency to lose sight of the most precious thing... our longing, our love affair. We do all the right things, and yet miss the mark and find after a short while that we have lost all our passion. It's at that point, when church becomes work, that we get burnt out and stop expecting God to do miracles. We stop expecting to be passionate for his kingdom. We halt our involvement and start going to church, sitting in pews, listening to sermons, lifting our hands during worship because we know we're supposed to. We're passionless. We've lost our Spirit filled spark and we stop trying to get it back.


As I heave a sigh of sadness over such a loss, I wonder what to do about it. Why are we content to live passionless lives? Truly, a life with out passion is not worth living. What does it take to become passionate again? How to we receive Christ's passion? We can all agree he was a passionate man, I think even people who don't believe in him as a savior can agree with that. So how do we do that? There is a list of things we've all heard and tried before: pray more, read more, praise more, go to church more, stop listening to secular music, stop watching rated R movies, stop going to dance clubs... etc. Quantity, I guarantee you, will not help you get the passion of Christ. Gosh, we always think more is better, no matter what the occasion more is always better! That's bogus. All that "more" stuff might help for a bit, but in the end you'll find you're more drained than you were when you started. It's not quantity, it's quality.


Rather than praying more, try praying, really praying. I mean asking God to give you faith and passion for him. Pray for a few minutes or an hour, but really pray. Seek God's intimacy in your prayers. Leave out all the things you ought to say in a prayer and actually talk to God. Tell him you're sick of being passionless and your tired. He already knows how you feel, so why not just say it for crying out loud! God can take it, he's a big guy. Rather than reading more of your Bible, try reading, just reading it. By this I mean take a chapter out of a book while you're praying and seek an intimacy in reading it. "What do you mean by that?" you might ask. I mean stop reading like you're reading by yourself. Pretend for a moment that God is reading it with you, right there beside you as you turn the page, and ask him questions. "Lord, why did you have Joshua and the Israelites circle Jericho seven times? Cause that just doesn't make sense to me." and then see how he responds when you give him a minute to answer.


Maybe all that isn't helpful. All I know is that the key to a passionate life is intimacy with Christ. I know there are lots of people out there who are passionate and know nothing about Christ... well, that doesn't make sense to me. I can't imagine trying to be passionate with out Christ, he's the only thing worth being passionate about. Anyway, that's my rant, sorry if it was boring, this does happen from time to time when I get fed up with not seeing fire in the eyes of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I've been blessed with friends who are fiery, but my own congregation, though richly blessed by the Lord, seems to me to be richly lacking in that passion and it breaks my heart. I hate that the Body of Christ is not more passionate about him or reaching others for his sake. Anyway, done preaching.

Pimp my Beard

These are my bearded bretheren, aka the "Bearded BiC's" (BiC= Brother in Christ). Russell grew out his beard for a Christmas play thing at his church and after it was over he wanted to do something a little crazy with it. So the bearded BiCs helped him out and this is the video.

On to Montenegro

Honestly... I forgot about this for a while. Oh dear. Well, here goes =) We took the train from Novi Sad to Sutomore, Montenegro to begin our four wonderful days of rest and recovery. We did some hiking, climbing, swimming, cliff jumping and general exploring. It was awesome! There were several coves around Sutomore, we spent most of our cove time in what is lovingly termed "First Cove", yeah we were real creative with names. That's where we explored cliff jumping and while we were there did lots of climbing around on rocks, big rocks. It was loads of fun. I loved climbing around on stuff. And yes, despite my horrible fear of heights, I did jump off the cliff and into the water. It was only twelve feet or so, but that's a lot higher than I would jump from anywhere else, so it was still a big step. Or a leap (hahaha). We even watched a few movies on the power point projector in our hotel rooms. That was fun. Eighteen people packed into a small room with out air conditioning. By this time we were a family though, so it was OK.

Finally we got to the day of Orientation for Speak UP! Camps. The day before Jay Cline had come (he was our regional director for Southern Colorado and director of the camps) and he had talked to us about vision for Camps, what to expect, how we would orchestrate events etc. And then he talked to us about calling. It was awesome. He talked to us about what a "calling" looks like when God places it on our hearts. Sometimes it several events coming together to form a vision, sometimes it's a burning bush, sometimes it's being sent some where you don't want to be, and sometimes it's a literal calling. It was very inspiring especially when considering that only a couple days before God has literally called me to return to Serbia on Stint. It was a good time and we finally got a feel for what would be happening in the camps, which we really hadn't before.

Orientation was great. I was assigned three of the most beautiful students a tutor could ever hope for. I had the honor of tutoring Anna, Tamara, and Teodora. Three bright and interested women. Tamara was the oldest, which I never would have guessed by looking at her. I was shocked to learn that she was studying for her PhD in Chemistry and trying to find a cure for cancer. She teaches at the faculties, which is how she got the 411 on the English camps. All of them though used beautiful English. It was great, it made things easy on me for sure. Teodora and Ana were both studying English to become either translators or interpreters. Seriously, I think the English students in Serbia know more words and better grammar than most Americans in general. I felt very inadequate to be tutoring them.

Our first day we had our Speak Up! Groups and answered get-to-know-you kinds of questions and then we split off into our tutor groups and had our discussion on the topic of the day. The first day we talked about a relationship with God and asked questions such as: what are your religious beliefs? What do you find attractive about Christianity? What do you not find attractive about Christianity? Do you think God is a person or a thing? Do you believe in Hell? Etc. It was a hard topic to start with, but I'm so thankful we started with it! It set the stage for the rest of the week and got them considering God, which made talking about the gospel much more simple. We didn't have to worry about trying to bring up the gospel during the week, or sharing our testimonies, it all kind of happened that first day, and if it didn't happen the first day it did by at least Wednesday. We got to see where our students were at and how the felt about God and whether or not they really believe in Christ or they just go to church some times. It was really interesting. At the end of the day we went to the beach, which happened pretty much every day. The beach is the place to be.

The second day was really awesome because I got to spend it with Teodora. We went to the fourth cove beach, which actually has a name: Zagradje (good luck pronouncing it: Zah-grahj-eh). On the way there she asked the greatest questions, and it was quite a walk to get there so we had time. She asked me questions like: How did you come into your faith? Do you believe because your parents believe, or do you really believe? That kind of thing. It was great! I loved the questions she was asking me, it was fabulous. So we got there and I swam a bit and at some point as I was swimming I was attacked by a sea urchin. Beware of the sea urchin, it is entirely evil and unpleasant, stay away from them. It took some time and digging to get the spines out of my feet. I actually did like Zagradje's beach more than the rest. The beaches in Sutomore and pebble beaches, even the "sandy" beach is really pebbles. This other beach though was rocks, but they were flat rocks, much, much easier and less painful to walk on.

While at that beach Teodora and Bojana (Boi-ah-nah) came and sat in the waves with me and we started talking about boyfriends and relationships and then out of no where we started talking about sex, specifically pre-marital sex. That was a conversation I never expected to have at all. Bojana seemed rather baffled at the thought of no sex before marriage. I don't know if it was the first time she had heard of it, but it was probably the first time she had heard about it from someone who doesn't do it because of religious reasons. It was difficult for me to explain how I think that it's very much connected to my spirituality and that I want to honor God with my body and not just have pleasure. It was very interesting. Before she left, Bojana was telling me that pre-marital sex is a good thing because you know if you are physically compatible with the person you're with before you make that kind of life time commitment. Honestly, if I were not a Christian, I would probably agree with her, which made me a little sad because I knew then that it was something I couldn't really explain to her at all. She had to experience God before she could understand about that.

The third day we went to Boudva. It's a two hour boat ride to Boudva, which is a beautiful place. I wish we could have stayed there longer. It's and old, old city with narrow little walk ways, like what you might expect to find in Venice. It did feel a bit like we were in Italy actually. On our way leaving I finally got to connect with Ana, which was something I had been praying for. God really answered my prayers in a big way. I found out that Ana really does believe in Christ, her relationship with him isn't really deep, but she does believe in him completely, with out any doubt in her mind. So I asked her since she does believe so strongly, why doesn't she share that faith with the people around her? She said that she had tried to talk about God with some people before, but they didn't react well to it. So she got the idea that she wasn't good at it, or they don't care or something like that, and gave up trying. It was very interesting. I challenged her seek God out in a deeper relationship with him and to continue trying to share her faith. It was great! I loved it!

Thursday... I honestly don't remember very well. We talked about relationships with others, dating and friendship relationships. That was fun discussion. We talked about all the ways we relate to other people and shared funny stories about first dates and that sort of thing. The rest of the day though, wasn't too unusual, more beach time.

Friday was their last day. It was a really sad day. Did the faith walk where we paired up and one of us was blindfolded while the other lead by voice. We had to give the blindfolded person directions in English step by step from the hotel to the beach and then trade places. It was really fun. Then we split up into our tutor groups and talked about trust and faith and what is hard about those things and what it easy. Then the tutors met with each of their students individually to close things up. I bought each of my girls a bracelet in a color that I thought represented in some way where they were at and where they were heading. It was fun =) I met with all three of them and told them about the awesome things that I saw in their potential and challenged each of them to seek God out. Teodora in particular I did that with. I see so much of God's love for her and his desire to have her whole heart. She is so beautiful and out spoken about her ideas. She would love the Lord, and she would lead others to love Him too. I'm excited for her because I see her getting closer to that decision to surrender her life to Christ. That's all that's left for her to do really, just surrender. She knows who Christ is and what he's done and believes steadfastly in him, but she hasn't surrendered yet. She's almost there. Pray that the Lord would continue to draw her in to himself.

Then the students left on Saturday. It was a very very sad day. Lots of good-byes, which I avoided where possible. I said good-bye to Teodora and the other Ana, not my Ana, but there was another one. Teodora cried, and felt ridiculously foolish for doing so. I don't know what she hated it so much, she had good reason to I think. It was a wonderful week that was ending. She gave me a lovely necklace in a wicker box that had a piece of rice in it with my name written on it. I'm wearing it now actually.

And then the next group came for orientation...

If You Need a Laugh

I just had to post this because it made my day. rhettandlink.com

Week 2

So the second week of Serbia time is actually about 10 days the way I'm grouping it. This is our time in Novi Sad. I think I've decided that I need to blog all this a little faster because I'm starting to lose things. I'll do the best I can though.


The first four days we spent with EHO which is a non-governmental organization that helps elderly people, and disabled people. We spent a lot of time just listening to the members of the organization tell their story about what they do. It was a little frustrating for us at first because we were thinking of a service project which usually means hard manual labor. So we were ready to build a play ground, or house or tear one down, that sort of thing. We ended up helping them continue to construct a building on the last day, but the rest of the time we spent listening mostly. It was frustrating until we realized that our ministry to them was listening, not necessarily (at this point) participating. They really just wanted to share what they were doing with someone, and I can imagine there aren't many people who come around and are willing to just listen to them about the work they are doing. So, although we didn't see physical results of the ministry we were doing, there were definitely things that God was doing there through out general presence.

EHO took us on a tour of a bunch of orthodox churches. It was a really, really cool trip. We saw some really beautiful churches. We got to go to an orthodox church service even, which was interesting. It wasn't in english so I have no idea what was said. What really struck me while we were there was that the people seemed so bored and passionless. There were a good number of people there, but you could see on their faces that they didn't take joy in being at church. It made me really sad for them. I hope, although I rather doubt, that this wasn't what all orthodox churches are like. The best part of the service though was the church organ. I've never heard a real organ played in person. It was spectacular. The organ is one of my Dad's favorite instruments, so it made me think of him and how much he would love hearing it. At the other churches we visited I saw some really pretty organs that I got pictures of. There was a much more simple church, fewer pictures and painting, less artwork. It was mostly just white walls, but the organ there was gorgeous. Then there was one church that was really extravagant. I was awestruck by the artistry that was in the church and the detail. It was amazing, but it made me wonder why. What was the purpose of the extravagance? I don't know.

We had some good time praying. We prayed over the faculty before we did our blitz there. I got to walk with my dearest Debbie. Although she's been a Christian for a while she was really just starting to discover her faith so she had questions about what we were doing and why. So I got to spend some time with her talking about spiritual warfare, hearing God's voice, the importance of prayer and that kind of thing. We had a really good time together =) I enjoyed praying with her a lot. At this faculty all the faculty buildings were on the same campus which made things a lot easier. We could all be together and didn't have to split up so much, or walk so far and that was really nice.

The blitzes were different than in Belgrade. We still split up, a group of us went to the faculty to talk to students, another group went to the beach at the Danube, and another stayed on the walking street in the main square or in the park. The faculty time was really good. I got to talk to a few students that were willing to talk about God and were relatively curious about him. Novi Sad students seem much more open to talking about God than Belgrade students. It's still not something they talk about, but when He's brought up they're open. After the first day of the blitz we got together as a team to talk about what happened and the challenges we had faced and the good things we saw. The group that went to the Danube had the worst time while they were there. They were really discouraged and timid about the gospel and they had a hard time finding people to talk to if they could even get up the nerve to talk to anyone. So after we shared four of us got together and went back to the river at like nine or ten o'clock in evening to pray over that area.

That prayer walk was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, spiritually speaking. It was incredible. God just really gave me a passion all at once for the area and he gave me a vision of an angel standing over the river and he was calling out "Come into the water and be saved", over and over again. And I saw the whole beach, which is fairly extensive, filled with people just waiting with great anticipation to go down into the water and be baptised. Thinking about it now it reminds me vaguely of the scene from "O Brother Where Art Thou" when all the people are going through the woods in their white robes and being baptised one by one in the river and the two guys got baptised too. Sorry, random thought... Moving on... and I was praying for the land that it would be free from the damage that was done over these many wars that have been waged over it and the NATO bombings and everything. I was praying for freedom for the people, and the Lord was speaking to the people about how much he loves them. He was asking why they continued to resist and refuse him though he loves them so much and has given so much for them to believe and have life. It was intense but awesome.

So I went back really excited, just totally overwhelmed with excitement. The next morning after some encouragement from Sunu, my project leader, I told my teammates publicly about what God had shown me and told them to expect things to be different on the beach that day. Sure enough after we returned that afternoon from our blitz people were approaching me and telling me that things were different and it had changed and good things had happened. It was exhilirating! I loved it! Just totally Amazing =D The third day was interesting. It was a very humbling day for me. My brother Levi called me out on not being totally with it in a conversation we had been having earilier with someone at the beach. It was very unpleasant, but very good. I was glad he was so in my face about my lack of communication. The rest of our time there afterward was really good though. Levi and I got into a good conversation with a group of guys about God and what they believed. Aaron was with us and he had kind of split off to talk to another guy who was actually an orthodox christian who really believed what he had been taught, which was encouraging in general.

And in the midst of this many other things happened, that I can't necessarily recall right this moment. We went to a protestant church one of the very last days and while we were there God told me very plainly that he wants me to come back to Serbia on Stint next year. I wasn't prepared for such calling though and thus had a severe and major break down. It was like God dropped a bomb on me. It made the walk back interesting. My brother Jason sang me scottish songs the whole half hour walk back to our hotel, and brother Josh gave me the biggest longest hug ever. It was great of them to do it, and Anna was of course there for me entirely. She held me for a while before we left the church and just let me cry quarts. It was splendid. Over the next few days I was able to get excited about it and now I'm just thrilled to know I get to go back and experience more of what God is doing in that country. So be prepared my dear friends =)

And I think that is most of the exciting parts of Novi Sad. I'm leaving out a lot, but that's the beauty of the blog I can add to it at any time! Hurrah! Hopefully it won't take me as long to get to the first week of English Camps now. In a day or two I hope ;) We'll see, keep checking back! If you're from my church, I'm talking about Serbia this coming Sunday, August 12th. So you'll hear some of this again I'm sure.

To be continued...

Week One

Alright party people! Here we go with the first week, I'm not sure how well this will work because the first week of being in Serbia feels like it was ages ago. The picture to the right is from our first hotel in Belgrade, the Excelsior. I was just being silly, as you can well see. That's not the point though...

In our first few days in Belgrade we did a lot of exploring around the city and getting familiar with it, as well as team building. When we arrived the Stint team (Stinters are students, or former students who have been staying over seas for a year doing ministry) showed around the city a little bit and took us to an Internet cafe to e-mail family, friends and supporters to let them all know we had arrived safely. It was a bit of a long day because we were all so tired and trying to stay awake so we could adjust to the time. There were a lot of first impressions that day with our team. There were a few people I met that day that the first impression I had of them was not truly how they were, or it was and God changed them drastically.

The second day we did a scavenger hunt around the city. We were given clues as to where certain things were but we had to ask the Serbians where these things were at. So there was a lot running around and asking complete strangers for directions several times in order to get to a certain destination. It was a hot day, and I was with Aaron, Barry and Debbie, which made things interesting. Barry and Debbie were ahead most of the time asking for directions, but Aaron had the map, so they couldn't stray too far. We did learn a lot about the city that day though and where things were located. It made things easier through out the week as we went to the faculties (University campuses are called faculties in Serbia, and they are usually spread out through the city. The psychology faculty, for instance, might be on the north end of Belgrade, while the law faculty is south and the philosophy faculty is west etc.). At the end of the day there were prizes for the team that finished first, I don't remember who won though.

We had a couple "Family Nights" when we played games that involved a lot of team work. In one game we had to cross the room as a team on pieces of paper that were taped to the floor. The catch was that we each had a handicap, each paper we touched had to be occupied at all times or it was destroyed, and we had to alternate hands and feet with every move we made. That probably doesn't make any sense, but it was awesome and difficult. We learned to trust each other though. We also played sardines, which is a lot like hide and seek. We played at the fort, which was a lot of fun. My partner and I won that one, it was fun =)

Midway through our stay we had a day of prayer and fasting. We spent time in worship and prayer and reflection. Trying to prepare our hearts before God and really wait on him to hear what he had to say, grasp his vision for what he wanted to do here. It was a really awesome day. We watched a video, which I think I talked about before, that had all these old preachers sermons. The one that struck me was one who said that he had gone to Africa as a missionary and had intended to help the people and bring the gospel to them. When he got there he realized they already knew about Jesus, they were just content to sin, they wanted to sin, they loved their sin and didn't want to give it up. He was so angry and asked God why He had bothered to send him to these people who simply didn't care. God responded that He didn't send this man for the people and He didn't send him for the benefit of this man either, He sent the man for Himself. "I didn't send you here for you, I didn't send you here for these people, I sent you here for ME." And at that point I realized that I didn't want to be in Serbia for any reason other than God. It was a very good day. God gave me a vision of his excitement and his joy, his desperate passion for the people of Serbia. I've never experienced God like that before.

Then we had our blitzes. We split off into pairs and then went in groups of four to the various faculties to talk to students about the gospel and to promote the Speak Up! camps. I went to the Economy Faculty twice and then to the dorms. The faculty was interesting and difficult. Most of the students couldn't talk very long because they were in the middle of exams. There wasn't much success over all, it was really difficult. We definitely experienced some of the things we had be told about, such as that when you present the gospel to them they nod and agree with everything you say. They don't see the difference between what they believe and what we believe, which is a hard difference to understand. I still don't fully grasp it myself. Still, we did have some good conversations. I met a lovely young woman names Aleksandra at the dorms. Debbie and I talked to her for about an hour and a half, got the gospel out there and were able to really just love on her. At the end we had trouble saying good-bye even. She was a sweet woman, and I think we gave her some things to think about. It wasn't like she got saved on the spot, but she was thinking. Serbians really don't think about God, so for them to start thinking about Him and considering Him is an awesome thing.

During all this there was much praying going on. There are definite spiritual barriers to overcome. There is a lot of anger and loneliness in Beograd (White City), a lot of pain. There are still buildings there that are bombed out and haven't been repaired. They've been there so long that plants have started to grow in the rubble, which is actually really cool when you think about it. That life can still grow in such a hard place. That's what we're praying for in Serbia, that there would be growth and life in the hard place. It's all kind of underneath though. You wouldn't know about the anger and pain by the way people talk or act. You have to get deep with them to notice it, or hit on the right subject. They're friendly, and willing to talk to anyone about anything, although God is a very tough subject for them. They are a truly beautiful people, it hurts me to know that they are under oppression from those things. I can't wait for them to be free from it! It's coming =)

After the blitzes we went to Novi Sad, another beautiful city where God was doing beautiful things. But we'll talk about Novi Sad (New Hope) a little later =)

Home Sweet Home

Good Morning to all! Well I'm back in Colorado and sitting at home typing on a computer that has normal key structure! Whoo-hoo! I'm sorry I haven't been able to post through out the summer to let you know what has been happening, my time at the Internet cafes has been limited to e-mailing family. Over the next few days I'll be posting about all the happening that went on as I continue to process the summer and the great events God made happen. Keep checking up on here. I'll try to do a week by week kind of thing, but we'll see how that works, it could end up day by day ;)

The over all of the trip was that is was amazing entirely! Words cannot even begin to explain how awesome the trip was and the things that God did in Serbia; the students we met, and in the team, and the individuals on the team. The trip went by so quickly and yet I still feel as though I was there for a year. I am so blessed to have gone on project this summer and I'm so thankful for the people who supported me in going. Thank you for joining me in Serbia, my dear supporters, and for giving of yourselves to those people. There was a change, it made a difference and you were a huge part of it.

I think that's all my brain can handle for the moment because I'm not entirely coherent at the moment, but there will be more possibly later this afternoon or tomorrow. Be blessed friends! =D

Novi Sad

Hi all! i don't have much time. and this will be full of typos. We are in Novi Sad and God is good here as well as everywhere. We are leaving for Montenegro tomorrow evening. Please keep us in your prayers. we are doing awesomethings here that I wish i had time to tell you about but i don't. Please also keep me in your prayers as i believe that God may be calling me to come back for year on Stint from Sept 08 to July 09. This is huge and I don't know what to think about it, but if that is where God wants me, that is where i will go. I love you all and I miss and I'm praying for you even as you pray for me. Be blessed, be strong and courageous and I will see you soon. Hopefully next time I will have more time to tell you what in particular God is doing here, it really is incredible. I'm so honored to be a part of his movement here. I wish you could be here with me =) YAY GOD!

An E-Mail I Sent from Serbia!

So I actually have a whole twenty-six minutes to spend with you, and I can get more if I need to. It costs less than a dollar for half an hour on the computer. Things are so incredibly cheap here! Down side being that people here really don't have much money. So lets see, I don't remember what exactly I've told you so far, so if I repeat don't pay any attention to me.

Today we had a time of fasting and prayer throughout the whole day. We watched/listened to a video presentation of a bunch of old sermons by pastors all over the world about Christianity and the chuch and the evangelism. I honestly didn't pay that much attention to the video itself, I was distracted by the music that was in the background and what the Lord was saying to me through it. You probably know how I love Last of the Mohicans, and most of the music was from that movie. God was really talking to me about this summer and revealing his excitement about what is about to happen in Serbia.

We have heard, and keep hearing that Serbia is a hard place to be a missionary, and I don't think it's going to be like that this summer at all. I really believe that God is going to do some major break throughs while we are here and especially in preparation for next years Stint group. He showed me a verse in Isaiah 60: 20 I think talking about that changes would happen swiftly. Read the chapter for the reference and you might see some big parallels to what is and has been happening in this country. So as I was listening to the music the Lord spoke to me that the light was coming and he showed me this view of the the city and there was the burst of bright light and then brilliant colors stretched across the sky. It was beautiful! It was to me a symbol of what he is going to do here. It's going to be sudden and glorious and it's going to change everything here.

Another song that played was a wedding cannon and he was saying to me that he was going to be dancing with his bride, Serbia, soon and gave me this beautiful vision of it. He said to me "You don't know her like I do. You don't see her like I do. She is more beautiful than beauty. I desire her and I will not allow anything to stand in my way now!" And his joy and excitement and certainty just spread through me. At that point I heard some of what one pastor was saying about being in Africa and he thought he was going to go and spread the gospel to these people who wanted to know God and find him. When he got there he was disgusted to find that these people knew about God and they were simply happy to live with their sin. They were uninterested and he confronted the Lord on it and the Lord said to him that it wasn't about those people, it wasn't about this man, it was about Him. "This is not about you, this is not about these people, this is about ME" He sent that man for Himself, not for any other reason. I was struck by the love in that statement, the overwhelming passion and desire. It was in that moment that I knew that I didn't want to be here for any other reason than to get God what he wants most. The Serbian Bride.

I find myself in a place where I could care less about what God does in me and through me. All I care about right now is making sure that God gets what he so desperately desires. I don't think I have ever felt so selfless and yet still so ambitious. I am not concerned about not saving people, as far as I am concerned they are already saved, they just don't know it yet. So with that knowledge that God is on the brink of something incredible, I will go with a new kind of boldness and tell people about him because he wants them soooo much that there is not possiblity that they will not choose him. It's like going out to do work that is already done. Just putting on the finishing touches. It's amazing. All I have to do is speak of him, I don't have to convince anyone because they've already been convinced. That probably sounds naive, and maybe it is, but as always I simply know what I know. No one has to tell me, I don't need proof of this, I just know. God is doing something he has never done before and I get to be a joyous part of it. I feel more alive than I ever have, and more joyful than I ever have. This is just a blessing and honor to usher in God's presence to a country that is already desired by the King to be his Bride. Could this be any easier?

So, I love you, I do miss you very much, and I bless you in all that God is doing back home. Be strong and courageous and pray for us. That nothing would stop God or his servants from winning this Bride. That nothing could stand in the way of revival. Call down the strong holds and stand firmly in faith with me. We have no choice but to believe this, because faith is the only thing capable of moving a mountain, and this is a MOUNTAIN! I'll get in touch again before we leave for Novi Sad on... I think Thursday, maybe even a couple days. We are doing evangelism "blitzes" on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and then go to Novi Sad for a week or so. Again I love you! Be blessed!

Kirstin Elise Block