Tasty?

So I was at Carl's Jr. today and I ordered a Dr. Pepper, which I haven't had for a long time. By the time I received it I forgot what I had gotten, because I don't have a particularly good memory and I'm distracted easily, and when I took a sip I was a little surprised and then I got to thinking about how weird it is that I can taste things! Isn't that weird? How did God do that? How is it that we can taste things and recognize what they are? How did God get taste to work in the first place, and then make all these different flavors? How does flavor work? What exactly does your brain have to do for you to taste something? Isn't that weird? God is so freakin' cool! I just thought I'd share that with you, which will make this the shortest blog post I've ever written. You should take a picture of this or print it or something because it's not likely to happen again lol =D So, yeah, that's all, just wanted to share my wonder with you. Be blessed!

Praises on a Personal Note

Alright, so typically I don't write about my personal life on this site because, well... it's personal lol However, what God is doing in my personal life is so incredibly excellent that I can't keep quiet about it. Please keep in mind, dear reader, that this isn't really about the man, but about the greatness of God and His amazing, unfailing love. I tell you, I am so amazed by the love of my God and the beauty of who He is and how He loves me.

To start from the beginning I've recently gotten out of a relationship, only a few months ago in fact. I was very much looking forward to spending the next two years of my life in a very single status and enjoying every moment with God. I mean just really immersing myself in ministry and following hard after God with out the distraction that comes from being romantically attached to someone. I have been very blessed in my few short months of singleness. I've gone on dates with the Lord, he's shown me around the city that I live near, we've taken a number of nice long hikes, watched more than one sunset, and danced together often. In this time I've been reconstructing what I'm looking for in a future husband and how I want to be pursued. What will I expect from a man? What will I expect in a relationship that leads to marriage? It's been interesting to explore those things and really look at what my heart truly desires, and the things that God has placed there and things He has wanted to place there.

All this has been a grand affair! And then I met someone, a godly man. I've actually known him for about a year and half now, but I've never been close to him. Suddenly I was seeing him everywhere and everyday, and then just as suddenly I discovered that I had a rather strong attraction to this man. This is where it gets interesting. So, I'm constructing in my mind what I'm looking for in a man, yes? I journal about these things and a few days later through some random conversation that has nothing what so ever to do with what is going on in my heart I discover these things in him. For instance, a couple months ago when attraction was just beginning to set in I was realizing how much I love to dance, and how important a part of who I am that is. Now, no one know this about me, until now when I have just so very publicly announced it... and I was journaling about it, and that it might become a requirement for a future husband to dance, but that it wasn't a rule yet seeing as there are so extremely few men in the world who enjoy dancing. About two days later I was sitting next to him talking about nothing in particular and out of no where find out he likes to dance and he wanted to lead a line dancing party for a Campus Crusade meeting. It took all of my self control not to just let my jaw drop to the floor right then and there. This happens frequently over the following weeks. I have something on my heart, which I tell no one about, that I want to find in a man and some how, some way the Lord arranges for it to come up in conversation or action.

That brings us up just about to present. The last few months have been like that though, and it's been very difficult for me, continuing to find out wonderful things about him that I'm desperately trying not to find out. This only further fuels my theory that God is very sneaky (if you're interested He insists that I simply don't pay enough attention or ask enough questions. This argument is ongoing between He and I). So about a week ago this man made me dinner and asked if I would allow him to lead me in a relationship. First of all, he gets big points just for the way he worded it, just throwing that out there. Secondly, this is a total God thing. My hearts desire is to follow someone. I'm so sick of leading in relationships, I've never dated a guy who wanted to, was able to, and actually did lead me. To tell the truth it has driven me crazy! Men are supposed to lead, how do I always end up in control? It's annoying! The Lord knows this, and there is a part of me that doesn't think it's even possible just because I've never experienced anything remotely close to it. I've seen it for other people, my parents for example, but I didn't believe it could happen for me necessarily. I agreed, of course, or I would not be writing this now. It's been a really good week =) Tonight I got to have dinner with him again.

In the past week my mind has been reeling, with many questions and insecurities I'm not going to post here. Oh, how well my King knows me and my heart. How well He understands the vulnerabilities of my heart. I've not spoken of any of these things with the man pursuing me, I've been waiting on him to see where he wants to go. The Lord and I are the only ones who know about my concerns. I'll tell you what has been on my heart so you can understand the enormity of what God did tonight. First is the aspect of a physical relationship, I've made mistakes I fully intend to never make again which means for me there is no kissing. Period, end of story, none. Second is the statement of love, I don't want to say it unless I know it's true and that means I won't be saying anything of a kind for a very long time no matter how tempting it may be. I wouldn't want to lie to him through ignorance or stupidity, or lie to myself for that matter, and I don't want him to make that mistake either. Third is the spiritual aspect of it all. I really want a man who can lead me spiritually and will keep God at the forefront of everything. I never, repeat never want him to place me above the Lord. I want God first in everything, every aspect, he must love God more than he loves me, or there is simply no point in bothering with the relationship. The best way I thought to do that would be some kind of a Bible study that we would do together, and I would just love that, that would be fun, I think. Please keep in mind that these are things I wasn't sure would happen. I've not been certain I could find any one who felt the same way or wanted the same things.

But God is exceptionally good. Is it not amazing that the God of universe, who has infinitely more interesting things to do with His time, takes the time to know who we are and care for all our needs? That He would pay attention to the little things as much as the big things? That He takes pleasure in our happiness? He takes joy in the desires of our hearts and in bringing those things into reality? That our dreams are not truly our own, but His? Are you not amazed by this, dear reader? Does it not strike you? At dinner the Lord again showed His faithfulness when my date spoke up with some boundaries to protect my heart and his own. (By the way, a guy who wants to protect my heart is also a really, really big deal). His first was that we shouldn't spend time alone together after 10 pm, very wise. Second he said that he would not tell me he loved me until he knew it was true, which would ultimately mean an engagement. Thirdly, no kissing until said engagement. Fourth and perhaps most interestingly, that he wanted us to do a Bible study together in order to keep God at the forefront of our relationship... How great is God that He would place a man in my life willing, capable and actively leading me? How great is God that He would provide a man with the same sentiments I have about subjects that men often feel differently about?

God is SO good! If you can take anything from my experience thus far it is that God understands the desires of your heart and if you will seek Him, and trust Him and wait on Him, He is joyfully waiting to provide those things to you. It may not be in your timing, but He is God! His love is great and His timing perfect! He hears the whispers of your heart that you reveal to no one, and He loves your dreams! Surrender them to Him and see what He does. This isn't what He does only in relationships, He does this with everything! It is who He is, He loves His children, of which you are one, and He loves to give. I know I've said this about twenty times already in this post, which is much longer than I meant for it to be, but I am SO amazed by God and His love! I would be so utterly screwed and dead with out Him. Praise His Holy Name! AMEN!

Hard Weekend

I just wanted to throw it out there that loving people is an extremely, ridiculously dangerous thing. I think it's probably more safe to walk through a burning furnace, or jump off a 100' cliff with out a parachute, or some thing crazy like that than to love someone, anyone. To care about anyone in even the smallest amount. I know that sounds really pessimistic, but I don't really mean it that way. It's so dangerous, and often painful to love people, but it's also one of the most rewarding and incredible experiences we can possibly experience on this earth.



I've been reading about the life of King David with the woman I'm discipling, and recently we read about David and Johnathan and their friendship. They had the most intense friendship ever, I don't think that two friends could ever love each other more than those did. Johnathan sacrificed everything for David, and when he died David was absolutely destroyed over it. But their bond was so incredibly tight! I don't think that either one of them would have traded that bond to avoid the pain that it brought when David had to leave, or when Johnathan died. What is it about love that is so spectacular? What is it about love that makes the pain of loss bearable?

In Serbia I met, and got to know three of the most amazing women I think that I'll ever meet. All three of them are entirely different from me, and they are people I never would have expected to fall in love with in a such a deep way as friends. One is a Serbian, Teodora, another is from New Jersey, Debbie, and the last (and closest to me in distance) is from Boulder, that would be Michelle. We had our reunion weekend last weekend, and Debbie came all the way out here for it, and Michelle was there, the whole team with the exception of one guy made it to the reunion weekend. Teodora wasn't there because she's in Serbia with the Stint team, but my other two were there. It was an amazing weekend! It was a really, really difficult weekend. It was so hard to say good-bye to the summer, and to say good-bye to Debbie in particular because I don't know when I'll be seeing her again.

What made it harder was that I got to minister to these women during the weekend, which essentially means there was a lot of crying and praying and hugging and generally holding each other. It was beautiful, but it was really hard to see my sisters hurting in the ways they were hurting. One doesn't have any solid Christian friends around her that can build her up, and she doubts her faith. The other is still angry over events that transpired over the trip, and can't understand why the leadership won't continue talking about it with her. Another one of my sisters that was there had just broken up with her boyfriend, who happened to be on the team as well. A lot happened, which is a huge understatement. So we talked and we cried together and held each other, we made each other laugh when it was over.

And then we said good-bye... That hurt a lot. I love these women, they are incredible women and I wish every one I knew could know them, because they are beautiful and vibrant women of God. They are radiant, and loving. And now they're gone. I don't know when I'll see Debbie again, I miss her a lot, in general. It's been hard not having her around to be her usual crazy self. I miss talking to her, and having lunch with her, and shopping with her (which is an adventure since she's from Jersey, this girl can shop!). I miss hearing about what is going on in her life and helping her sort through it all. Michelle I know I'll see again in about a week, I'll be staying at her house for a couple nights, which will be really nice. I haven't gotten to be in touch with her much, which is unfortunate, but we all have our busy schedules. So I'm really looking forward to spending some extra time with her soon, but it was still hard to let her go. She is really touch oriented like I am, so when we see each other we cuddle. She's pretty much the only woman I do that with, it's just who she is and who I am and God has blessed us with the kind of relationship that allows for that.

And then Teodora... my beautiful Teodora. *sigh* I haven't seen her, except in pictures the Stint team has taken. I miss my Teodora probably most of all. She is by far one of the most incredible women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. For sure, I wish you could meet her and see her heart like I do. I can't think of a woman I know who is more lovely than she is, it's just what God is doing in her life and how she's responding to it. She's been a joy for me to know.

Anyway, it hurts to love people. It hurts to have to say good-bye to them, as we all have to at one time or another. It sucks. On the ride back home Aaron said to me: "That's why Heaven is such a great idea... no more good-byes."