Remember That Pulling Feeling I Had Earlier?

Well I may have discovered the reason! God's been speaking a lot, and doing things in my heart lately, so I have some interesting things to share with you. Generally they are things that I don't want to share, because they are my flaws and I honestly don't want you to know that I'm flawed, even though you do. I don't want you to have the intimate details of what those flaws are so that you can see them clearly, or even challenge me to change in those areas. However, in keeping with the effort to be open and honest, I'm going to tell you anyway, though it makes me very nervous to do it. And on an extra note not particularly related to the first, I will say that I was right about my dear Lord and King being excited about it, because I am too. He's given me a beautiful gift tonight that I've been telling him I wanted, and I know he's terribly and wonderfully joyful to give it to me now.

I'll start with the first thing listed, that seems reasonable right? Although maybe I should go backward... No, I'll start in the boring, unoriginal, in order fashion. Original is overrated anyway right? Ok, so here we go, brace yourself for impact! Humility has been a large theme of the semester, and the Lord has been pressing in on me the entirety of what that means for me. There is a lot that I could say about that. When it all comes down to it, I am much more prideful and selfish that I give myself credit for. I have a terrible tendency to fain modesty about my abilities when I know that I am good at what I do. I have to say that I think that is worse than regular old boasting, because it's also a lie and very misleading in every fashion. Anna confronted me on that earlier in the semester, and Aaron did too, although I don't think he knows it. With Anna it was one of those moments where I had to make a decision to (a) lie and say "No I don't do that, what are you talking about?" or (b) see it in myself and say "You're right, and because you have told me this because you love me and want to see me grow I am going to do something about. I'll make a change." I chose the latter option, with great difficulty. So I've been trying to own up to my abilities more this semester since then. It's hard to change a habit like that.

Then, more recently, the Lord has been bringing to my attention other things that co-inside with humility, and deal with "death of the self". Well, you may ask, "What the heck does that mean? Are you talking about suicide, because I don't think I can handle reading a blog in which you clearly say that you are going to kill yourself." Never fear! Death to self has nothing to do with suicide, and I'm quite happy living ;) Death to self me giving up every self centered desire and impulse you have. It is crucifying selfish ambition, self-reliance, self-deprecation and a whole lot of other self words. If it has self in it, you can probably count on it being not good and needing to die. As Christians all of our focus, and our hearts desires should be for God. The Lord has been revealing to me that I have no been focused and desiring after him, I have been focused and desiring after me. Let me tell you, that is rough to hear from your First Love. When you realize that you've stopped loving your First Love so that you can love on yourself, you know you're in a bad place. God was kind to me in the way he told me this. I'm reading a couple books by some great authors and the chapters I was reading in both of them "just happened" to be talking about this as I was reading them. Then I've also been reading in my Bible, at curiously the same time as these particular chapters in the books, about the same thing! Coincidence?... Come on, be realistic! Even if you aren't a believer you have to think that's kind of odd.

I've been thinking about this and what it means for me as a leader, and as a servant, and as a missionary to Serbia for 6 1/2 weeks. I don't want to do anything else until I fix this within myself. Obviously that's not going to happen over night, but with some dedication and prayerful help I can kill the monster that is my self. I'm excited about the prospect, even though I don't want to deal with it because it's going to be hard. Lets face it, nothing in life is easy. I was telling Anna today when I met with her that for me hearing God's voice is easy, it's following it that's hard. As I say all this, I hope that your mind is reeling with the idea that you could be in the same place. If you connect with this, don't turn away and pretend like this isn't you. I love you and I want to see you grow, so face it and deal with it, even as I deal with my stuff. We'll do it together and support each other. And if this doesn't connect with you, I challenge you to ask God the most difficult question: Lord what do you want to change in me? What is not right in my heart that you want to see changed and devoted to you? How do you want to purify and sanctify me? Those are tough questions because if you ask him for that he will answer, and the answer isn't usually much fun. It's worth it! Do it! For the sake of the people who need you, do it. When you better yourself, or rather allow God to better you, yours chances at actually helping some on drastically increase. Don't be afraid, and don't resist God, and he will be gentle with you. If you resist he might be more aggressive with showing you the worst parts of you. Gentle is better.

Now, the second part is equally, if not more exciting! Part of my struggle with humility is that I really want to lead. I have something that I can give to someone, whoever needs it, and I want to share it but with out being in leadership it's really difficult to do that in an efficient manner. And I have told the Lord this, that I want that responsibility, I want to take care of people, and I want to speak words of life into their lives and help them see who they are in Christ. I want to do more than I am doing now. Then I decided to be patient and trust him to give me that when he thought I was ready. I am excited to say that I don't have to be as patient as I thought I was going to have to be. The Lord has given me the greatest opportunity to serve as a co-leader on the prayer team for JiB! I am sooo excited! So I think that is what the Lord was pulling me about and what he was excited about, that he was going to give me one of my greatest desires. How awesome a gift is that to have to opportunity to lead people in prayer, which leads to healing, which leads to the major spreading of the gospel! It is so rock on! I'm stoked! I get to lead with Elizabeth, which will prove interesting because she and I are very different, and not in a bad way. We'll provide an excellent balance for each other and be able to teach one another many things in the semester to come. Isn't this awesome! God's gonna use me! I'm gonna get used =D <--- remember my happy face =D

And that is all my fun news, the good, the bad, and the pretty darn ugly. What is God pulling you at? Have you figured it out yet? Sometimes it takes a while, but even if you haven't found the pull he has surely been doing something that you've noticed. What's he been doing? No, I really want to know, do tell, I love it =D